Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
