the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have tasted many bathrooms
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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