Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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