Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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