Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize