I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
