I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
