I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
