I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
