Even the bartender felt bad for me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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