i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
