i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
