Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize