6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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