Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
