Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
