Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
