This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
