I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
