So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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