im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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