Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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