You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
