not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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