Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
