dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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