I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
