What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
