Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
