My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
