I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
