There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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