I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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