oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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