Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
