your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
