Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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