Betty ford says i'm here all night
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I cut my penus on the lid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
