I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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