she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
