My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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