So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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