Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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