You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
