dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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