i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
