There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
