i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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