Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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