She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize