I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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