Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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