I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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