I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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