The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
