6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just want nice things and good sex
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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