So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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