I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
