you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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