Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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