If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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