im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
