I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
