I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
