Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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